Just When I Want More

As soon as I get a glimmer of hope for setting some goals to pursue further this gift and passion I have for writing, it seems I'm tossed in the throws of parenting deeper than ever and I find myself, as I doggy paddle my way out of an all-consuming wave for a breath of sanity, chiding myself for even considering to pursue something more for myself. As I attempt to carve that little bit of time out, I become divided and resentful of anything or one that forces me out of my moment.

I look at those mothers who seem to be very successfully writing, toting three, four and six children around and I wonder a little enviously, "how do you do it?" 

And just as quickly as my pity-party pulls me into another tide, I get a flash of reason,

"Their journey is not your journey and your ways are not My ways."

I pray for patience. time-management. perseverance.

There is a time for everything, and a season for every activity under the heavens... Ecclesiastes 3:1

And the thing facing me head on right now is the parenting of four impressionable, mold-able, growing human hearts. This is my first priority. And not just meeting needs, but engaging, planning, investing, and persevering.

Every gift that God has given me to use for his purpose and glory will always birth through being faithful to this here, now, moment. And may I never underestimate the eternal way He is using me in these moments with these lives He has entrusted to me.

I can't just have what I want when I want it. Because I don't truly know what is best for me. Because I don't have that grand, eternal perspective. Because, if I'm honest, I really only want instant gratification. I have to walk this road, faithful to the journey My Creator has laid out for me, trusting in His ways, not my own.

"Aw," you say, "you can do anything you put your mind to."

Yes, anything that fits into the will of my Lord. And so when everything seems to be working against me and my first priority becomes compromised, I must re-evaluate my will and surrender it to His.

So, yes, I am guilty of wanting more than I have. And yes, I am going to work out some goals as He is working out His plan in me. But like a lot of things I've learned to do in my life, I'll wait upon the Lord because I know His way and timing is perfect for me.

And I'll remember how thankful I am for everything in my life that did not happen my way, in my timing, for the trade off of the abundance beyond measure that I have today.

And I'll believe that His plans alone are to prosper me and not to harm me, to give me hope and a future. (Jeremiah 29:11)

And just when I want more, I realize I have enough.

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