To Be Brave...and Fifty Shades of Grey

We need to be brave. 

I need to be brave and write about the things that matter. I'm blogging today because I realize for me not to, at this point, would be slothfulness. I read a post like this, and feel the blood pumping through my veins because I get it. I agree. I'm with Emily Wierenga on this. And  I realize, once again, that writing matters. This is not the content you just write in your journal for no one to see because whether people agree or not, a God-fearing voice in a godless culture matters. In our diluted and distorted reality, Emily's voice matters, your voice matters, my voice matters - and all of the voices spurring each other on in Christ matter.

But it takes being brave.

When the book, Fifty Shades of Grey, became popular everything in me told me it was counterfeit and essentially destructive, not just to our distorted sexual culture, but to our marriages over the long run. And I wanted to write about it and wondered who else was.

Yet, there's that part where we don't want to offend or judge. 

I know countless people who have read this book and I don't condemn them.  But the counterfeit that sweeps so many away into a non-reality and a distorted view of love, sexuality, and ultimately a distortion of Christ Himself is unsettling.

I have chosen not to read Fifty Shades of Grey with the conscience that I believe our marriages and sexuality are meant to point us to Christ and to bring us into a deeper recognition of intimacy with him. Therefore,  there must be something more than the lure of this book.

I want to share with you the journey a small, brave decision has taken a friend of mine and me on over the past six months, and a book I recommend as an alternative.

I have one dear friend, who got swept away by the hoop-la of the trilogy. I knew where she was coming from and I understood how the lure of the book would make her feel that this could be the answer to revive her marriage, yet had the potential to subtly lead her astray. We have such a relationship that I prayerfully and lovingly went to her, knowing her heart for Christ and for her marriage. She fully received my concern, our friendship deepened and within a few months we were reading together, A Good Girls Guide to Great Sex, by Sheila Wray Gregoire - a book which describes God's grand design for our sexuality. It is not only meant to be expressed on a physical level, but a spiritual and emotional level, in order to experience the fullness of an exciting, passionate, luring and intimate sex life within the context of marriage.

Sheila nails many great points, answers countless questions, and her content ignites a passion for a hot and holy marriage!

Sheila speaks to a broad audience of married and unmarried women, so every chapter may not speak to everyone. But with prayer over our marriage and desire for a radical love and deeper intimacy with our spouse, even a few chapters could very well be life changing.

My friend and I both witnessed the intimacy and anticipation in our marriages deepen while reading this book. We both caught a glimpse of how God intended marriage to be an indestructible, exciting adventure that is a power source for him.

We women don't need outside sources to raise our libidos or to revolutionize our sex lives, like some of the claims for Fifty Shades of Grey were making. We actually need to guard our hearts and minds against such things. In her book, Sheila Wray Gregorie addresses the repercussions of this being that it actually hinders intimacy with our spouse, as we begin to depend on those outside images to raise our libido rather than the relationship.

I've found that it just takes thinking about my spouse, praying about our intimacy, reading about sex in a God-honoring way - essentially finding ways to engage my mind and prepare my mind for my husband rather than disengaging. My heart is typically already there. But as Sheila Wray Gregorie writes, sex for women is in the head.

We live in a, "me" world - a fallen one. But in that, there is a perfect design worth seeking out and waiting for. Sheila Wray Gregorie points out that God intentionally created men and women's needs differently. The need for sex leads to intimacy for men and and the need for intimacy leads to sex for women. This is why making sex and intimacy about one self doesn't work:

For women to get our deepest needs for relationship met, we need to focus on our spouses' needs for sex. For men to get their deepest needs for sex met, they need to focus on our need for relationship. It's a give and take. Women learn to think of men, and men learn to think of us.  ~ Sheila Wray Gegorie

And that's when it works. It doesn't work so well in a "me" culture, but God's way always looks beyond our own self to another. Mysteriously, when we start thinking about the needs of our spouse first and it becomes this give and take, this is what begins to revolutionize sex and intimacy within our marriages.

I  don't write this as an expert. I write it as someone who has gotten a small taste of that something more and I say it as someone who realizes that it takes work. There is no easy one-time-fix. It's a life-long process of exploration and discovery. And isn't that the point? A husband and wife, built completely differently, with a lifetime to explore the never-ending mysteries, all the while enjoying the adventure and discovering the beautiful dance of the groom and his bride, Christ and his church.

This dance will surely give us a closer glimpse of heaven - the real thing - what we're all longing for. For everything we seek, to fill that longing, it will always be God who can ultimately fulfill it. Anything else will be the counterfeit, slowly and subtly leading us astray.

If we consider the unblushing promises of reward and the staggering nature of the rewards promised in the Gospels, it would seem that our Lord finds our desire not too strong, but too weak. We are half-hearted creatures, fooling about with drink and sex and ambition when infinite joy is offered us. We are like ignorant children who want to continue making mud pies in a slum because we cannot imagine what is meant by the offer of a vacation at the sea. We are far too easily pleased. ~ C.S. Lewis

It takes being brave to admit we've settled for the slum. 

It takes being brave to imagine something more. 

*You can find Sheila Wray Gregorie at her blog, To Love, Honor and Vacuum.

Sharing with Imperfect Prose

What Compromise in Marriage Really Means

I like percolated coffee. He likes it French pressed. I like mine with cream. He likes it black. We’re on the road with four children for two-and-a-half weeks pulling the weight of a camper and a collision of differences.

When camping, he likes the tasty blend brewed simply and quickly with the French Press. Yet, it tastes too instant and slightly bitter to me.

I’m willing to spend a little more time percolating the coffee for a more full bodied flavor.  He doesn’t taste the difference.

And we each think our own preference is the better of the two.

But we compromise. On mornings that we are staying through the day, we use the percolator and on mornings we are heading on the road, we use the French press.

And that is what we learn to do in marriage – compromise.

Yet, it’s easy to compromise over coffee. However, when circumstances leave one feeling attacked, under-appreciated, or de-valued, it can leave one defensive and scrambling. Learning to compromise in marriage can still leave one thinking better; one right. It can leave one proud and still bitter.


Continue reading HERE.

I'm honored to be over at Jen's place @ Finding Heaven today, launching her new marriage series! 

 Sharing with A Holy Experience, a Proverbs 31 Wife, the Alabaster Jar, the Unveiled Wife, Yes They're All Ours, What Joy is Mine, Just a Thought, Wise Woman, Works for me Wednesday, Women Living Well, Raising Mighty Arrows, Getting Down with Jesus,  To Love, Honor and Vacuum, Life in Bloom, Beholding Glory, Leaving a Legacy, Pieces of Amy, and Imperfect Prose.

10 Lessons I've Learned From 10 Years of {a Christ-Centered} Marriage

This man was etched on my heart before my eyes would ever see how life would change once we met (you can read about how we met here.)

I joke about how he wasn't even what I was looking for. He came into my life at a point in time I could no longer see beyond. The point I surrendered and said, "Okay God, your way." And then God blew me away, little by little, to the place we are today.

This is a perfect example of why I continue to put my life in the hands of my Heavenly Father. He knows me so much better than I know myself, what I need, and all of the desires of my heart for a lifetime to come.

This is the reason we put Christ at the center of our marriage, as well. Because we trust our marriage to be the workmanship of his hands.

I've grown so much over the last thirteen years of knowing this man and ten years of marriage.

Here are just 10 lessons I've learned from 10 years of marriage:

1) Love is a choice. I've put plenty of conditions on relationships and based many a decision on feelings in my life. Yet I've learned that, in marriage, there are no conditions. Love is a choice.

2) God must come first. The closer I grow in my relationship with God, the closer I grow to my husband (imagine a triangle with God at the top and each of us at the bottom corners moving closer to that top point).

3) Stop complaining. I believe my husband is God's perfect provision for me sealed by our vows. When I complain about his imperfections, I assume God's provision as not good enough for me.

4) Be patient. Our imperfections and differences are serving to refine one another into the persons and couple God intends for us to be.

5) Don't nag. Nagging is like a constant dripping on a rainy day (Proverbs 27:15). If I feel strongly about something, I've learned to go to God with it first, then discern if and how to approach my husband. It's not my job to control, convince or persuade my husband. I simply need to get out of the way so God can touch him. (I've always loved this quote)...

Duck - so God can hit your husband!

6) Approach God with confidence in matters of marriage. Because we know this holy matrimony is within the will of God, based on 1 John 5:14-15, I can be certain that when I ask anything that will draw our marriage into the abundance of God's perfect design, I will receive it!

7) Submit. When I am willing to freely submit to my husband, he's more than willing to submit to me...he's willing to lay his life down for me. Although I may submit more in the little things, the greater submission and sacrifice is his, by God's design.

8) Trust that God is faithful. The more I trust God with my desires and passions, the more I realize how he is already carving pathways within my husbands heart and mind toward a complementary vision (God truly keeps us in sync. He's faithful like that!).
  

9) Allow grace to fill in the gaps. A marriage is hard-pressed to survive without it.

10) Be the first to change. The moments I want my spouse to change, prayer inevitably changes me first.That, in turn, changes everything.

To Rob, my spouse, I love sharing this journey with you. I know we have a ton more to learn with a lifetime to learn it.

Being confident of this, that he who began a good work in you will carry it on to completion until the day of Jesus Christ. Philippians 1:6

***

I wonder what the next ten years will bring?

What tid-bit of wisdom have you learned from your marriage over the years?

***

Counting gifts of gratitude with Ann today:

remembering where we were and how far we've come.

the four fruits of our love and union.

hands connecting around the dinner table to complete the circle - our family.

sharing in our anniversary celebration with our children.

watching the wedding dvd and the comments revealing differing developmental understanding over the lack of their presence at our wedding...

"I died when you got married. That's why I wasn't there." ~Drew

the comfort that comes with years of getting to know each other

the challenges that keep us learning and growing

***

I would love to stay connected. You may subscribe to the left of this post to receive weekly updates or click here to like Heavenly Glimpses on facebook.

Sharing with A Holy Experience, the Alabaster Jar, Finding Heaven, The Better Mom, The Wellspring, Time warp wife,  Graceful, A Pause on the Path,  the Unveiled Wife, Yes They're All Ours, Titus 2 Tuesdays,  What Joy is Mine, Far Above Rubies, Raising Homemakers, Wise Woman, Works for me Wednesday, Women Living Well, Raising Mighty Arrows, Getting Down with Jesus,  To Love, Honor and Vacuum, Life in Bloom, Beholding Glory, Homemaking Link-up party, and Raising Arrows

When We Don't Buy into Life's Facade

source

There is a rush when connecting with people after twenty years. It's why facebook is so addicting when we first create our account. Because of all of the connections we make. And because of the image we have the ability to put forth.

It's not a false image, no. It's absolutely a part of who we are. But it's not the fullness of our person because that's not possible. We get thoughts and snippets, but we don't get real life. We see the beautiful architecture of the front of a building, yet we rarely get a foot in the door.

Although I resisted face book for the first year after my first invitation, I love it for the connections I am able to make. And, although I resisted attending my twentieth class reunion (and did not participate in every event), I still ate up every minute of seeing old faces and spending time with classmates like no time had passed at all.

By Sunday, I felt like I was coming down from a reunion high.

At the start, I knew I wanted my husband right by my side because he is part of who I am now.

Yet, what I wasn't expecting was the sense of nostalgia I would feel after the first night. It brought me back to a time when life was nothing more than thinking about where we'd end up on the weekend and who we'd see out. When the exterior is all we really paid attention to.

Yet, the man who stood by my side (or a few steps ahead helping to lead our pack!) is the one who has been inside every room of this building and has made each his own – the comfortable places, the intimate places, as well as, the storage areas where lies all the baggage - and I in his. He's seen the less decorative sides of the building, the broken down areas and has invested in knowing the history and detail that has gone into the making of this building.

Together we have strengthened the foundation, torn down walls, opened up the interior, and have opened the door of our lives to a work that invites people to share in. One that will leave a legacy, that will stand strong and tall for generations to come.

Together we are building up, with the tool and craftsmanship, what one day just may look like a heavenly mansion.

We can appreciate our connections from the past for what they are – fun and even meaningful reminiscent opportunities. The appreciation and respect for friends, like ourselves, who are building their own legacies. But when it's all said and done, it's not the image we put forth that amounts to real life – it's the hands of hard work, a heart that bleeds, and eyes that see more clearly through its tears. 

It's a work in progress; the building of a masterpiece.

Sharing with Finding Heaven,  A Pause on the Path,  Works for me Wednesday, Women Living Well, Getting Down with Jesus, Wise Women, Life in Bloom, and Beholding Glory

How to Create a Peaceful Home

It's a place he enters into that is another source of stress, he tells me as we're washing up getting ready for bed. The place that is supposed to be restful and peaceful at the end of a day and it's eye-opening, this reality that makes me gulp in hearing. But I have to hear it to understand why. Why of all places is our home a source of stress to him?

I had never asked. And he has always appreciated everything I juggle. And he's not complaining. It was just a topic that had come up in our couples study earlier, which we were now discussing and he's sharing honestly, and I didn't realize.

I didn't realize he experienced peace differently than how I viewed it: by how messy or clean the house was, how loud or quiet the children were, how much arguing or correcting was occurring and I thought we were doing pretty good under the circumstances.

But it's the little things, he tells me. It's the tasks left undone for days or weeks. It's having a space that is his, that is always touched by little hands or with my piles, and it's not just me. It's the never-ending household projects he has yet to cross off of  his list.

The water trickles as he brushes his teeth and I stand stunned as I think about how I am failing because what good is all of my efforts in creating a peaceful and orderly home if he doesn't feel it?

And I know that I should consider him first. I know that if I uphold him and he upholds me, together we uphold our family and there is cohesiveness. And I know that it is all too easy to fall into the trap of expending all of my energy on the children.

Yet, if I am expending all of  my energy with my priorities out of order, how much of my energy am I expending in vain?

We draw back the covers and crawl into bed and our conversation has ended, but I'm still thinking that maybe it's not about having a perfectly clean or a reasonably quiet space. Maybe a peaceful home is simply the space where love and respect abide; a safe place where needs are met and pressures lessened. One upholding the other so that the cares of the world seem small. Peace in the midst of life happening; a place where we create order best when we have ordered our priorities.

Do you consider your home a peaceful place?

Helpful questions you may consider asking your husband:

Is this a peaceful place to come home to or a stressful place?

What are the sources of stress in your life right now?

How can I help in alleviating that stress?

What is one thing I can do today that will bless you?

***

I'm focusing on intentional living over the next weeks. I hope you'll join the conversation so that, together, we can persevere in our challenges and encourage one another!

Sharing with Finding Heaven, A Pause on the Path, Seedlings in Stone, The Wellspring, Write it, Girl and The Better Mom

What Freedom Really Looks like

I'm awesome, he tells me - this woman who is learning how to be a wife. A woman who often forgets to make him breakfast or to send him off to work with lunch, who rarely irons his shirts and sometimes lets him run out of clean socks before the week is through.

And he tells me how much he loves me and he doesn't seem to even notice all the ways I fall short, like he doesn't even see them. As though he trusts this process, this journey, this story...

being confident of this, that he who began a good work in you will carry it on to completion until the day of Christ Jesus. Philippians 1:6

And I see this work in him and I see it in me and I see it in us. And we are good, very good. Together, we are better.

God's perfect provision in spite of our imperfections.

And he is as inspired as I by a passion and growth and love for this life we live. And how we desperately love our children, who reflect the bigger story and desperately love Jesus and how we hold on to Jesus at the center of our lives so we can love each other best and we do this, in spite of ourselves.

He slaps my bum just for fun and he holds me close and he's teaching me what marriage looks like - this women who has had to learn how to trust.

His unconditional love, acceptance, and humility; his patience and unwavering faith, it anchors me in this turbulent life and allows me to set sail and soar - straight to his arms, for there is no other place I'd rather be.

In this holy sea of love anchored by the sacred marriage of two hearts and lives, I am free.

Sharing with Finding Heaven

When Abundance Requires Surrender {Guest-posting at Comforted By God}

Shuffling into the restaurant – about six of us near strangers scrambled to find our seats. I nonchalantly pulled back the chair and sat next to him. As I sat there awkward, I peered across the table tuning out the words of my boisterous friend, who had gotten on the topic of, “God is just an idea…” It was a topic I had learned to ignore. I wouldn’t be persuaded nor would I persuade her. I avoided those conversations that challenged the very core of what I believed up to that particular point in my life.

However, the next thing I knew, that guy sitting next to me was speaking up. I don’t recall those exact words that straightened my posture nearly twelve years ago, but I recall having no choice but to chime in. We alternated affirmations, with complimenting points, “Yeah, and…,” “Right, and…” My eyes began to widen and my heart sprang forth as I was overtaken by the proclamations of this guy. It was as though I had suddenly noticed him for the first time.

I went home that night intrigued…

Who was that guy who proclaimed so boldly a belief in the one true God?

Who was that guy who said he owned over 100 Christian CDs? Did that many Christian artists even exist?

Who was that guy who grabbed my attention and literally woke me up?

You see, I grew up knowing Jesus Christ as my Savior. I knew He was good and that He loved me. I trusted Him. I just wasn’t willing to trust Him with my whole life. I had decided I knew better than anyone what I was looking for in the love department. After all, I had imagined how I would be gallantly pursued and rescued in my childhood fairytale dreams. I wasn’t looking for a godly guy, someone who was trusting God with his whole life. I didn’t believe those kind existed. The more a guy pursued me, simply, the more likely he was to win my heart.

None-the-less, several decent men came and went in my life. I remember telling a friend that if the next guy (whom I had already scoped out as heroic) was not the one, then there would be no one for me. I believed that. I was tired of disappointment; tired of gambling in a game that was being played too casually with my heart.

Something changed that round. I had inevitably been pursued, however, not by that “next guy.” That ended, too. I remember that day well, humbled by my circumstances; when compromise would no longer camouflage my existence. Oh, how I wanted to run; crawl into a hole – but, there I was backed up against the wall of my own captivity. I knew what I had to do. I threw my arms up – finally – and surrendered. I admitted I couldn’t control this outcome. I had already compromised the belief that there was something more – someone worth waiting for. I had compromised what my heart deeply desired and was yearning for – God. I surrendered my choices and committed to allowing God to take the pen and write this story. That is the moment God gathered all of the fragmented pieces of my life and started putting them together.

One month later, I pulled back the chair and sat next to him…

“That guy” and I have been married now for nearly nine years and have four children together. He is the man that makes my heart skip a beat every time I think about how he met the deepest desire of my heart – to know God and to grow in this area with someone.

He wasn’t the one who rescued me like I had imagined in my fairytale dreams, but the One who had been pursuing me all along did rescue me from my dire predicament and gave me more in a man than my eyes could have possibly foreseen on my own. 

God used the circumstances of my relationships to draw me back to Himself and showed me that I had to make Him first in my life. This uncommon script – one of full surrender – has laid the foundation to an abundant marriage that works because God remains the heart of our passion, which is the most rewarding kind you will ever know.

Is there an area of your life that you are still holding on to? Do you realize that holding on to fragments of your life will cost you more than you ever intended? Are you willing to surrender every aspect of your life to Christ today?
***

{Guest-posting over at Comforted by God.}

Adapted from the archives and re-titled, "Looking For Mr. Right?" at Comforted By God.

It wasn't Buckingham Palace, BUT...

it was a royal wedding.

  "The Kiss"

A prince and his duchess

All under one king, the King of kings!

How we met

Shuffling into the restaurant, about six of us - near strangers - scrambled to find our seat. I nonchalantly pulled back the chair and sat next to him only because he sat across from my friend and the seat next to her had already been taken. I peered across the table listening to the words of my boisterous friend, who somehow got on the topic of, "God is just an idea..." It was a topic I had heard before; one that I had learned to ignore. I wouldn't be persuaded nor would I persuade her. So, I avoided those conversations, as I did much of the content that challenged the very core of what I believed up to that particular point in my life.

However, the next thing I knew, this guy sitting next to me - whom I had not spoken even one word to since our unofficial group encounter just days ago - was speaking up. I don't recall those exact words that straightened my posture nearly twelve years ago, but I recall having no choice but to chime in.

We alternated affirmations, with complimenting points, "YEAH, and...," "Right, and..."

My eyes widened and my heart sprang forth as I had been overtaken by the proclamations of this guy. It was as though I had suddenly noticed him for the first time.

I went home that night intrigued...

Who was that guy who proclaimed so boldly a belief in the one true God?


Who was that guy who said he owned over 100 Christian CDs? Did that many Christian artists even exixt?


Who was that guy who grabbed my attention and literally woke me up?


Who was that guy who spoke like he knew so very personally my first love?


You see, I grew up knowing Jesus Christ as my Savior. I knew He was good and that He loved me. I trusted Him. I just wasn't willing to trust Him with my whole life.

I had decided I knew better than anyone what I was looking for in the love department. After all, it was easy for me to determine what would and wouldn't interest me in a guy, who was and wasn't a decent guy, and who would or wouldn't pursue me like I was the only girl on the planet. I could easily tell who made me feel special and who didn't.

I wasn't looking for a godly guy, someone who was trusting God with his whole life. I didn't believe that kind existed. I didn't even know any godly men and, truth be told, never ran across any in my dating years up to that point.

Isn't that what happens when we seek outside of God's character?  We simply find everything but, godly character. 


Good guys. Decent guys. Just the wrong guys.

There came a point that I had even lowered those initial standards. I did a little more of the pursuing. I sought to feel special. I clearly couldn't expect the fairytale. I didn't expect much.

I remember telling a friend that if that next guy (whom I had already scoped out) was not the one, then there would be no one for me. I believed that. I was tired of disappointment; tired of gambling in a game that was being played too casually with my heart.

Something changed that round. I had inevitably been pursued, however, not by that guy. That ended, too. I remember that day, humbled by my circumstances; when compromise would no longer camouflage my existence. Oh, how I wanted to run; crawl into a hole – but, there I was backed up against the wall of my own captivity. I knew what I had to do. It’s true. I could see no further than “that next guy.” I threw my arms up – finally – and surrendered. I admitted I couldn’t control this outcome. I had already compromised the belief that there was something more – someone worth waiting for. I had compromised what my heart deeply desired and was yearning for - God. I surrendered my choices and committed to allowing God to take the pen and write this story.

One month later, I pulled back the chair and sat next to him...

My First Love

He saw me and knew I was the one. I was so young and naive when I first met him. Although my very existence cried out to him, I didn't really know him. It wasn't until I came face to face with him in full surrender that the sweet romance began.

He's the one who called me by name before I came into existence...

...who did not rescue me in my grief but, lead me through the valley.

...who pursued me when I chose a different way.

...who chased me when I ran.

...who accepted me when I turned back.

...who comforted me when I was lost.

...who protected me when I was left vulnerable.

...who offered me his hand when I fell.

...who lifted me when I was broken.

...who cherished me - for me.

...who summoned me and said I was his.

In my surrender - sweet surrender - I came face to face with death. Death of my own desires. Death of my own destination. Death of life as I knew it.

I came face to face with humility and grace. Awe and wonder. Abundance and blessings. A new life transformed.

My heart is riveted by his presence. I become flustered and limp in his arms. 

Yet, I am still found guilty of turning my gaze to the distance, of wonder if there is a more provoking love, of something more I must be missing.

Yet, he continues to lead me to the desert. He allures me there with his tender words. And in a place of desertion, loneliness and confusion he gives back what is my hope. And I know there is no other.

An undeniable romance.

Faithful to no end.

A lasting love. 

A fairytale love.

Is and always will be my first love.
***


Today I am simply grateful for the lavish love that fills the very well I draw from to pour out and love well those around me.

The Roaring '20's

So, Rob and I were invited to a costume party, this past weekend, featuring the roaring 1920's.  As much as we initially dragged our feet, I have to say it was fun!  Just getting dressed up, all decked out - doing something you don't normally do.  It just adds a fun element to life.  I can tell you this much, I'll never wear that much make-up again! However, I loved the excuse to play.  It reminds me to change things up every once in a while...try new things...add some flavor...it does a person - and a couple - good.

Eight Years Ago...

Yesterday, my husband and I celebrated our eighth anniversary.

Today we would have been on our way to Kauai for our honeymoon. 

Hundreds of Waterfalls

Just Outside Our Hotel Room

I am so thankful for this man in my life.  On one hand, it makes me sad to think of our children growing to one day leave our home.  On the other hand, I couldn't be more excited that I get to spend the rest of my life with this man! He's not going anywhere.

This truly is a sacred adventure...holy ground that we tread...because God is the author of this story.

I can't wait to see what tomorrow brings.